He Means Everything To Her
by Kitty1353
Summary: Beyond High School, Kotomi had moved onward with her life. She had become a researcher, doing incredible things abroad. However, over the course of a few years, she started getting some subtle, and some less subtle, signs about her feelings. Feelings she had never truly thought about. Feelings, leading her back to the most important person in her life.
1. Everything

**One-shot for now, though may be added on to in the future. I'm writing this on a whim. Was suddenly inspired to do this, and I might not write a fanfiction ever again. Inspiration for the themes in this story are taken from personal experiences, and are possibly not in-character. I tried.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Clannad. Of course I don't.**

 **This takes place in the final Clannad universe in the Anime, when Nagisa and Ushio are alive. Contains spoilers to parts of both Clannad and Clannad After Story**.

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It'd been several years since they'd all graduated. Seemed like longer, at least, to her. To the genius, Kotomi Ichinose. Since she'd gone out on her own path, beyond the borders of Japan, she knew just what that meant, for her and her past.

She knew full well that, while she could still visit her old friends in Japan, the many experiences she had would only be memories. Whether they were happy or sad ones, that was up to her. She would, of course, never forget making the clique of friends that became the closest people to her, coming to terms with her past, and most importantly… the man at the center of it all, Tomoya Okazaki.

It was strange. When he turned up entirely out of the blue one day her senior year. It was almost like fate had brought them back together, after so many years apart. The two had both changed, had grown up. Both of them had found their future or, in Tomoya's case, a lack of a future. It didn't stop Kotomi from being incredibly enthused that the boy she met in the garden had come back.

Then, of course, her past resurfaced numerous times. The 'bad man' who worked with her parents, who she had associated with losing them forever. She almost lost herself, shutting herself away from her teachers, her friends...everyone. But, unexpectedly, the same boy, the one who had appeared so many years before… did something incredible. He went out of his way to care for her, to inspire his… no, _their_ friends to help her rise above the nightmare she lived; the nightmare she'd lived with for so long. In the end, it was a bittersweet, when the suitcase her parents had brought with them on the plane that crashed was found.

From there on, it was almost like a dream, being able to be socially active in a school where she initially didn't have any friends, when she was consumed in her studies. After so long, she was genuinely happy, when she discovered something bigger than her studies, bigger than herself. Her friends, how much she cared for them, and what they meant to her. She also discovered a warm fuzzy feeling, that she could never quite pin down. However, what mattered was that she had a wonderful group of friends that cared about her as much as she did for them them.

After graduation, however, things started changing. As she had planned, she eventually went to study and research abroad, far away from Japan. It was more or less what she had to do, given her intellect, skills, and potential. Being confined by the research institutions in Japan would have been restricting her more than anything. She went on to study the existence of other realms beyond our own.

Sadly, she lost something in taking the path that she did. She was still in contact with her friends, and she was more than comfortable making new ones abroad, because of her proficiency in foreign languages. However, some nights, she would just lay in bed, and stare at a photo of their graduation, and miss the old days, when everything was so easy. When feeling that warm feeling was something she could feel every day. Now, even if she emailed her friends on a regular basis, she wouldn't feel the same feeling. She'd feel nostalgia, but not the full, rich happiness that she longed for.

With time, she would have dreams at night. More than anything,… they were bittersweet in taste. She remembered a few in particular the most vividly...

In one dream, she was back in high school, helping around the drama club, like usual. Organizing equipment they needed, the normal business. However, Tomoya wasn't around. She wondered where he could be. He was the one who kept the club going, where could he be? She decided that she'd done all she needed to do, and told everyone she was going to look for Tomoya.

She walked to his classroom. Maybe he forgot something in there, or he was on cleaning duty? No luck. The cafeteria? Maybe he's hungry and getting something. Still nothing. She searched every nook and cranny of places Tomoya might have a reason to go to, but still nothing. Out of nowhere, she suddenly had an inkling about where he might be. She walked up the stairs to the library where she'd spent so many months, years, studying by herself.

The door was unlocked. She opened it, and sure enough… it was Tomoya. he was sitting in a chair, staring into space out the window. "Tomoya-kun?" she whispered, walking closer to him. He suddenly looked up, tensed up, and said, "No, don't come any closer!" Kotomi was confused. Why was Tomoya all by himself, and now being so defensive? Kotomi started, "Is something wrong, Tom-"

Again, out of the blue, Tomoya jumped out of his chair and ran past Kotomi. Kotomi didn't know what came over her, but she immediately ran after him. She wasn't particularly athletic, but she knew she could at least keep up with him. After running for five minutes through the school and eventually making their way to the roof, Tomoya found himself cornered. He tried to slip past Kotomi to get to the door, but Kotomi wasn't going to let him get away. She grabbed his arm as he tried to run around her, and made him lose his balance. Kotomi took charge of the situation; she hugged him and brought him to the ground. She then held him down, and raised her voice, "What's gotten into you, Tomoya-kun?! Why are you avoiding everyone? Why are you avoiding me?"

Tomoya didn't respond… he only had a look of emptiness in his eyes, a look of not wanting to be around her. Seeing that face… it stung her to the core. It was a look like in TV dramas when someone doesn't want to see their previous lover...a stoic, but heavily pained expression. Did he… not want to be around her at all? What was going on? Why? Why was this happening?

Right then, she woke up, heart pounding as if she really had been running for five minutes. She didn't know what to think. "Why did I have that dream? Does it mean something?" she whispered to herself. Something in her told her that it did, but she would have to figure out just what it meant.

The dreams didn't stop. In another dream, the scenario was almost the same, organizing things in the drama club room. This time Tomoya was there, and the meeting went as usual. After everything was done, however, Kotomi noticed something about Tomoya after he helped Nagisa dismiss everyone. It was that pained expression again, but this time angrier than the last time. She was confused again.

She approached him after everyone else had left, and said, "Hey, Tomoya-kun? How are you feeling?" Tomoya didn't even make eye contact with her, which was unusual, only saying, "I'm really tired, I'm going home." She could hear it, she could even feel it. That tone in his voice, that just resonated with pain, of not wanting to be near her. He then stormed out of the room, and she was the last one there. She sat down by the wall, and let the words sink in. Then, one by one, the tears started falling. One painful tear after another, as she wailed, "Why? Why is this all happening to me?!"

This time, Kotomi woke up nearly screaming, and with tears in her eyes. Kotomi felt broken, just like all those years before. She was reminded of how lonely she was, leading up to her senior year in high school. How she had nobody, only her studies. She felt that lonely feeling manifesting in her again. This time, however, she didn't have the same friends right by her side. Even if she could email them about how much she missed them, that wouldn't change that fact. They couldn't just make time to see her, and she couldn't just make time to see them. They all lived busy lives now, in different parts of the world, even.

The final dream would be the one that answered her questions… she was in a mysterious world. It did not feel like the same one she knew. It was a quiet place, and there were lights everywhere. Mysterious lights, that seemed to float freely without guidance. She didn't know what to make of it. It felt somehow familiar, as if it was something she'd been trying to find herself. She decided to walk around, and explore the place a little bit, and she found a little shelter. She opened the door, which was unlocked. Inside, she saw a table, and sitting at it… Tomoya.

She was surprised. Of all the things or people to find in this mysterious world… "Tomoya-kun?" She said. Tomoya looked at her and smiled, "Hey, Kotomi. How's it going?" They had a bit of friendly conversation for awhile, before Tomoya said, "Hey, would you like to walk for a bit?"

This caught Kotomi off-guard. "U-um, sure!" Kotomi replied. So, they made their way out into the mysterious world. After a minute of walking in silence, Tomoya took her hand, and pulled her closer to him. She didn't know how to respond, but she felt happy this way. They then talked about anything and everything for awhile. She felt at peace with Tomoya, holding his hand as they walked to somewhere, or nowhere. Eventually, they found a good hill to sit on, and they took a rest. Suddenly, Tomoya looked at her, and said, "You know, I'm not in a relationship right now."

Kotomi, unsure of how to respond, just said, "Oh, really?" Tomoya turned his head forward, and looked at the lights. "Mhmm" he replied. Kotomi felt relief in her heart as he said this, and it slowly dawned on her what it was she felt. Then, Nagisa, her friend from so long ago, appeared from the path they'd taken. It quickly became clear that this was reality checking in with Kotomi's deeper feelings. Without saying anything, Nagisa walked towards them, and as she did, everything slowly went dark for Kotomi. She then woke up, with a heavy feeling in her heart. She now understood what it was she felt.

 _It was love. A love that wasn't meant to be._

Tomoya was the driving force in Kotomi's life that pushed her onward when the times got tough. Everything she'd done until then had been a result of how he cared for her. He was the one that she looked forward to talking to each day in high school. He was her best friend, the one who understood her more than anyone else. And now… she was supposed to accept that he meant nothing to her, nothing more than a bittersweet memory.

She had, honest to God, been doing her best to reach her potential as a researcher. But she knew it wouldn't be enough to bring him to her. He was genuinely happy, with a girl who Kotomi knew and trusted to love him with all her heart. It began to kill her, every waking minute of her being, because she wanted to be the one, the one who Tomoya loved.

She was completely at a loss. She wanted to tell him how she felt. Even then, she wanted to pull him away from Nagisa because she couldn't stand stand letting him be with another girl. All she wanted was another chance, to go back to high school and be the one who took his heart. She learned everything about love soon after that dream, and as she reflected on her life. She learned what a sweet and euphoric feeling love is, and how much it hurts when that love can't be returned.

She finally understood that love isn't a feeling that can be suppressed easily. This was something she started to grasp when her love for her parents wouldn't go away after everything that happened, but it now made complete sense to her as she couldn't hold back how she felt about Tomoya. She wanted to email him, or contact him somehow, and steal him away. But, after all the years had passed, there wasn't any way it could result in anything. He now was married to Nagisa. They'd had a child, a beautiful little girl named Ushio. He was happy, and now Kotomi realized, she wasn't.

It was almost easy to believe she would someday find someone else just like Tomoya, if not better. In fact, that's what everyone's led to believe. However, for a lonely girl like Kotomi… for a girl that won't readily open her heart to anyone who she wasn't fully comfortable with, it was hardly realistic. Her heart knew what it felt, and it wanted to be with Tomoya. It couldn't just throw away the feelings that it had kept hidden away for so long, that it only just now unveiled.

Tomoya was the glue that kept her held together. Even from so far away, the impact he had on her life was astounding, since everything she'd done to that point had been a direct result of his intervention in her life. Now, she felt that glue was disappearing with each day, steadily tearing away at her motivation, her heart, and her soul. She knew that she would have to find her own reason to live, one that didn't surround itself around him. She would have to be strong, and surpass her limits. That's the only choice she had, if she wanted to keep moving forward. However, regardless of her path, Kotomi never stops thinking about him. He's always at the forefront of her mind, when she's awake, about to sleep, and even when she sleeps, because of one lone fact.

 _ **He means everything to her.**_

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Author's note: Sorry if this story is depressing. Wasn't trying to fluff anything up here.


	2. The Burden

**One-shot this chapter too. Only wrote because inspiration was there. Tone is pretty much the same as the first chapter. Still on the sombre side.**

 **You have been warned.**

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Five years. That was how much time had passed by now since Kotomi had left Japan. She had gone back to visit on occasion. She was happy to visit, the place she once called home. Seeing old friends was always a wonderful part of visiting, when she had extended breaks from work, and was able to fly back to Japan. She was always delighted to see Kyou, Ryou, Tomoyo, Sunohara, Nagisa...and of course, Tomoya, after so long.

But, something about the town didn't feel the same. Each time Kotomi returned, it seemed to have grown just a little bit. A new hotel here, new neighborhoods there, even a big city center to replace the old, depressing, town square that had existed before. It wasn't even being called a town anymore The place she once called home, didn't feel like home anymore. It wasn't something she could fight. She recognized it less each visit. It began to feel foreign, as if it was never her home to begin with. She disliked it. She wondered that maybe… she might hate the town, or city, or whatever it was now.

Then again, maybe it was something else. As she grew apart from all her friends, being in America most of the time, she felt like there was a vast distance being put between herself...and the life she lived in high school. Sometimes, when she would email her old friends, she wouldn't get replies for days… or just not at all. The reason was obvious, everyone had started to go in different directions. It was only expected that their friendships would be strained with distance. But, maybe, what hurt Kotomi the most… was the fact that Tomoya almost never talked to her anymore.

Having had a child with Nagisa, Tomoya was now busier than ever taking care of his family. A family facing many trials and tribulations from having only modest income, but a happy one nonetheless. He didn't have time to reply to Kotomi's emails frequently, as he was almost always busy with his life. Nor could Kotomi bring herself to send many more emails to him, the love of her life. She understood her feelings well enough by now… she understood that if she maintained contact with him, she may eventually confess her feelings, whether she originally intended to or not.

The nightmares wouldn't stop, either. As the years piled on, her feelings ironed themselves out further and further like clothes, until they were perfectly clear, without a single wrinkle of doubt. She couldn't fight the fact that she loved him...but more importantly, the fact that he was her best friend… was.

Her nightmares… like wolves, ate at her motivation, her spirit...and her heart. One night, as she slept and dreamt… she found herself riding a mysterious metro train. She didn't know where it was going. All she knew was… Tomoya was on it. She knew it. Maybe the train was going to school...away from school... ? Either way, she had to find Tomoya. She knew that there was no way she could let him slip away. She walked steadily through the train. As she passed into new segments of the train, she started settling into a jog...and then a run. "Tomoya-kun!" She yelled, desperate to find him. Soon after, she saw a familiar blue head. A familiar bored expression. She screamed, "Tomoya-kun!"

To her horror...that face… the one she knew so well… frowned at her...and then looked away. Not only that, it was walking away too...no! This couldn't be happening! Kotomi wouldn't let Tomoya escape, not without her telling him everything. Everything that had been haunting her for years. As she chased him, the surroundings grew dark, her focus dimming, her heart pounding like a stampede in her chest. There was a ringing in her ears that grew louder and louder, like the train was about to crash. She heard a crash from the ending nightmare as she woke up bewildered. Her eyes still closed, she could feel the faint light that would soon become a sunrise. She opened her eyes after her heart slowed down slightly, and saw the time. "5:05 A.M." Her emotions were a train wreck… like what had become of her nightmare.

She felt absolutely shattered. These emotions… that she had kept to herself for so long. They were exploding in front of her. The lessons that Tomoya had taught her all those years before from her parent's deaths… to stay strong in the face of hardship… felt useless now. She had tried her best to stay strong all this time. She exercised on a regular basis. She researched hard. She took care of herself the best she could. She had to stay strong, for him, and for herself… at least, that's what she told herself for five long years. Reality set in more and more each day. That she truly was alone. That her friends were all distant, and the one she loved… was essentially gone. Happy with another girl. Another girl who used to be a good friend with Kotomi.

Kotomi had liked the Dango family growing up, and even in high school. It was something she and Nagisa bonded over when they first met. Now, though, as Kotomi was started to block out Nagisa from her head, to overcome the fact that Tomoya ended up choosing Nagisa… something began to happen. Anything Kotomi associated with Nagisa… she began to hate. How Nagisa always loved the Dango family… when Kotomi packed up things to bring back to Japan on a trip… she dug up a Dango plushie. Rather than enjoy its soft appearance as she did before… she felt sadness, resentment, anger… she gripped it harder… pulled her arm back, and threw it at a wall with all the force she could muster. Only after, did she realize what had happened… she could not look at anything she associated with Nagisa the same.

This was...too much for Kotomi. She never stopped having nightmares, they always woke her up early in the morning...and she could never fall back to sleep after they struck. Her regular life started falling into disarray as her gradual sleep loss from the nightmares impacted her ability to research. The Americans she worked with always had an idea about keeping the private life and work separate… but it's harder than one can imagine. Kotomi was losing motivation for what she did day by day, knowing that Tomoya had found happiness, while she seemed to be wandering, unable to find her own happiness.

She decided… that there was only one option now. It was a risky decision. Any wrong steps taken, and Tomoya might not even be her friend anymore...forever. Kotomi understood this, and she was willing to do it. If she couldn't even talk to Tomoya now despite their shared past, she didn't have much to lose anyway.

She wrote him a letter. Hand-wrote. On her next trip home to Japan, she would deliver it his home herself, as she didn't want anything getting in the way of it making it. Making it to Tomoya's sight. It wasn't an especially long letter, but it had every bit of care and passion she could muster.

 _Dear Tomoya-kun,_

 _I can't quite say for sure why I'm writing this. I only know one thing. There's a lot I want to say to you, and I won't have the chance again to say them for a long time if I don't do this now. You can burn this letter or shred it or throw it away. That's your choice. If you do that, though, all I ask is that you read the contents first._

 _Each time I come back to Japan, I get to see you at least once. Even if for only a little while, it's amazing. Just how much you've changed since high school. I'm thoroughly amazed. You've become really responsible, really caring, and really strong. You have no idea how happy I am that you've come all this way. I want to share how proud and happy I am for you._

 _Unfortunately… I can't. I'm gone too much for any of what I think to matter. Being away doesn't change what I think, though. I admire you a lot. I can't even fathom what it's like to take care of a family, with so many hardships and struggles you probably need to fight through. That resilience of yours… is beautiful. It's something that you don't see everyday. Rather, it's something I only get to see once a year, it seems._

 _Please, stay the way you are, Tomoya-kun. Please stay the caring man you are, the great friend you are. It's all that I want. I hope that I will someday be able to see that light again. That intense brightness… while I may not ever come back here again, I will never forget you, or that light. That warm light. The one that brought peace to my world._

 _Wishing you only the best…_

 _Kotomi Ichinose_

With this, Kotomi knew. She was gambling everything. But, at this point, she was willing to gamble nearly anything short of death. The only reason she refused to play death was because… those who will commit suicide or kill themselves over unrequited love… are not strong, but cowardly. All Kotomi could do now, having dropped the letter at its destination, was wait. Wait for what might be a hopeful response, a rejection, or something like a restraining order. She didn't care anymore. No matter what, the worst that could come was that she would go back to America, possibly forever, with no hope of being with Tomoya again. She didn't care anymore. She just wanted to relieve the burden she had carried. The burden that had caused her so many sleepless nights. The burden that was steadily making her lose her passion.

 **The burden that only Kotomi Ichinose knew.**


	3. Rising

**One-shot with slight revision and addition. Not as somber as the last two chapters, there's more of a plot now! Yay! Will still only update when able to. Anyway, thanks to anyone who sticks around for this much of this story! It'll probably get more interesting, I hope!**

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The moment after she'd delivered the letter at Tomoya's home, Kotomi stood out in front of the apartment that she wasn't sure she wanted to be around for too long. She was tense, but there was something she had to do first.

She put her arms at her side, clenched her fists gently, and bowed. As she bowed, she opened her mouth, and whispered, "Tomoya, Nagisa, Ushio… I wish you all the best. I hope this letter finds you well, Tomoya, and I wish that someday, there may be a new bond between us."

She held back tears as she said it; she scarcely could maintain composure as she stood there, knowing that the love of her life might be right inside, with the one who stole him away. She brought herself back up, and walked away. Her head down, she silently took a bus back to her home.

As she found her way back inside her house, she looked at the backyard. Since she had left for America, there had been nobody to take care of the garden, and it was really starting to show. She decided it was time to do a bit of garden work, since otherwise she might have just laid in bed, thinking about Tomoya… and Nagisa. It was something worth doing to take her mind off of her troubles for just awhile.

She took out some shears from her closet, a gardening apron, and some old tennis shoes. She tied her long, sleek, brilliant hair back into a pony-tail, and she walked outside to the garden that Tomoya had once skipped school to fix up for her. She understood now that, since he wouldn't come back on his own, it was her turn to take responsibility for herself. This is what pushed her with each time she bent down and sheared off some long or unsightly branches from the bushes that surrounded the back of her house.

As she finished working in her backyard, she thought about what in the world she was putting herself into. She wasn't sure what her plan of action would be, as she only had a limited amount of time before she had to return to America for her research. She thought long and hard about what she could do, to pursue her feelings.

"I could go to his apartment sometime? No, that would be too forced… maybe I could invite him out to lunch? Ack, no, that'd also be too strange, since he still only sees me as a friend. AGH!" Kotomi punched a wall as she agonized over how to approach Tomoya. She had no clue. This was the first time in her life that she'd felt this way about anyone. She wasn't getting anywhere, she needed something to stimulate her normally hyperactive mind into getting a creative idea. Something absurd, something that would definitely throw things off-center around these parts.

Kotomi went to exercise at a local fitness center to give her mind some time to wander. She had bought temporary membership for the time she was home so that she could stay in shape, as in America, there were gyms everywhere, and Kotomi had been working on her shape. She had been in reasonably good shape in grade school for not playing sports or exercising before, and now she sported sleek legs, thick arms, and a slim yet firm set of abs. Anything she lacked physically before, she had now. In a word, she was gorgeous. As she walked in, everyone around stared at her well-maintained physique. She chuckled at the gesture, and moved on to her workout.

On her last set of pushups for the day, however, Kotomi began to lose focus. Her arms were burning, her abs burned so much, it felt like a rope was being harshly tightened around her waist.. Sweat dripping mercilessly from her forehead and cheeks after an hour of near-continuous exercise. Just as she was about to lose control of her arms and drop to the floor, a curious thought reached her mind from deep down in her soul, "Is this all you can do?"

Kotomi suddenly pushed up with a second wind of strength. "This is not...all I can do…" She muttered under her breath. She couldn't give up here. Not for anything. If she gave up here, what else would she give up on? If she truly wanted to do what might be impossible, she would have to overcome her limits. She finished the last fifteen push-ups for her set, and sat down on her exercise mat, breathing heavily and drenched in sweat, but not defeated. She thought to herself, "This is exciting, isn't it? Even I don't know what lies ahead, but I have every intention of chasing what matters to me with everything I've got."

She showered at the gym and left. As she began to head for home, a familiar voice called out to her, "Kotomi-chan! Long time no see!" Kotomi turned around to see a nice face, it was Kyou, walking with her was Ryou.

Kotomi was happy to see some familiar faces. "Kyou-chan, Ryou-chan, it's nice to see you both again!" They all hugged and laughed, just like back in the old days. After the pleasantries were finished, Kotomi asked, "So, what have you two been up to?"

Ryou was surprisingly the first the first to jump at the question. "I've been accepted into medical school, and I'm on my way to becoming a nurse!"

"Congratulations, Ryou!" Kotomi enthusiastically cheered. "I bet you'll be great as a nurse!" Kotomi turned to Kyou, and asked, "What about you, Kyou? How's your life coming along?"

Kyou thought for a second, "Well, I've been making my way up as a teacher for kindergarteners. I love being around kids, so I really enjoy it. I even got to meet Tomoya and Nagisa's kid, Ushio."

At the mention of those names, Kotomi's insides started to twist and turn. "O-oh, is that right? How is she?"

"Hm…" Kyou murmured, "She's alright, definitely like Nagisa, to be honest. Loves the Dango family, just like her mother."

"I...I see." Kotomi said, her smile steadily fading. It hurt, especially now, to talk about Tomoya. It hurt the most to talk about how happy he was, and how well he was doing. Kotomi only wanted the best for Tomoya, yet it tortured her, the thought that he could be happy without her in his life.

Kotomi knew she should have seen a situation like this coming, after all, they were all still connected, even if Kotomi was rarely back in Japan anymore. "A-anyway! We should all get lunch together sometime! For old-time's sake!" Kyou and Ryou agreed, and so they made plans and parted ways.

As Kotomi walked home, she noticed a flyer for a short-term internship at an electric company. She didn't think much of it at first, until she remembered; Tomoya worked at an electric company… was this the same one? She thought about the last time she'd talked about it with Tomoya, and she was certain this was the right one. This was an opportunity alright; he definitely still worked there, and this might be the best chance she'd have, ever. She took a picture of it, and made plans to submit an application as soon as she could. She couldn't let a single day go to waste, if she was going to make the most of her time home.

She researched what the internship required. She discovered that she would not be going out and about, fixing power-lines like Tomoya did; she would be doing more administrative work, organizing information about what areas were having particular problems with power distribution, and making sure that information was relayed to the crews. On the side, she would also serve as a receptionist for customers who came in to discuss their neighborhood power issues. She would work part-time, with a reasonable wage. Being knowledgeable about so much really came in handy for searching for jobs; if she were trained enough, Kotomi could probably even handle the job of fixing power-lines herself reasonably well.

Kotomi filed an application two days later after she prepared all her documents. She was granted an interview, and she received the position. The fact that she was very intelligent didn't play against her in the slightest. Compared to the research she usually did, this was a like a child's puzzle.

It would still be a little while for all the paperwork to be processed, so she would have to wait about a week until she would be able to begin work for the company. She didn't mind, it was such a sudden change that she needed time to get ready for it. It hardly mattered to her either way, as long as she could see Tomoya again. She still didn't know how he'd reacted to the letter she'd sent. She hoped that it made him think about her, though she doubted that much came out of it.

Regardless, Kotomi felt somewhat relieved now, compared to the misery that consumed her before. It felt empowering that she was able to give everything she could for someone she cared about. She understood now that life is not meant to live crying, or feeling like dying. The only worthwhile way to live life is to make the most of it.

Kotomi understood that she's passionate. Whatever she cares about matters to her deeply, and she will do whatever she can for the sake of what she cares about. To stay passionate, she never gives up, with unending tenacity. To stay tenacious, she stays strong, and to maintain that strength, she drives herself forward with her unending passion. This is who she is. This is who she has to be.

 **This is who she has to become, to rise to her dreams.**


	4. Breaking

**Alright, for whoever still cares about this story... this was an interesting chapter to write. I realize this chapter may not roll over well because of certain things that I decided to include in the plot. I'm going to publish it anyway. Plus, this story is moving up to a T rating (from K+) due to one or two themes in this chapter.**

 **Enough of my rambling... enjoy.**

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When Kotomi went to her temporary job for the first time, it was very underwhelming work. Nothing she was asked to do was beyond her abilities. She could easily process all the information and requests for fixing particular electrical units across the city. Absolutely nothing stood in her way from doing well.

But… there was one problem. Her reason for being there was gone. As it turned out, she found out the second day on the job that Tomoya was actually unable to be at work, at least for not for awhile. It turned out that Nagisa had come down with an illness a few days prior, not unlike what she used to get in high school. Some things didn't change in this little town, and Nagisa's tendencies to become sick were a familiar fact. Tomoya chose to spend time with his wife at home, receiving a modest, but still generous, paid leave from the company.

Kotomi didn't know whether she should be angered or sad that the man she loved wouldn't be there. Without him there, she had no reason to be there, and she knew she was only forcing herself to be there. Soon after, Kotomi went to her hiring supervisor and requested that she leave her job for… unexpected commitments. She didn't say any more than that. While her manager wasn't especially pleased, they had at least had one other hire on a waiting list in case Kotomi had to leave for any particular reason, so she was allowed to leave without too much hassle.

After that, Kotomi went on living as she had. Each day was a struggle of a unique calibre. However, ever since she'd delivered the letter to Tomoya's home, she'd felt a sense of relief, a loosening of the tension that was left unresolved inside her heart. It became the norm for her to remind herself every day that she had to keep fighting. Even if she wasn't sure what she was fighting for, it was better...better than giving up altogether. There was no value in losing… losing to her… her once friend.

She fought. She fought every day… as long as she could be a little stronger than she was the day before… that's all she needed to do. That's all she could do. When the nightmares kept coming, all she could do was fight through the pain in her heart when they left her awake, and borderline broken inside. Somehow… she held on. No matter how devastating her nightmares became, how much she missed Tomoya, how much she still loved him… she didn't lose herself. No matter how broken inside, she managed to hold herself together.

It wasn't easy. In the end, Kyou and Ryou were both heading their own ways, and weren't able to make time to spend with her. More than anything, this meant that there wasn't anyone Kotomi had to voice her troubles to… nobody that she truly trusted. It was difficult, being alone. Even back 'home,' she still felt as though she were far, far away from wherever home was supposed to be.

She hit the gym every day. It was her only release at this point, apart from her light research material she had to read up on while she was away from her lab in America. She now exercised harder than ever, her resolve only growing stronger. It was an absolute contradiction. As her hopes of ever being with Tomoya grew fainter, her desire only grew stronger.

Her desire, her desperate resolve, would shine through hard times. And not a moment too soon.

One day, as she walked through a grocery near her home, she saw something out of the corner of her eye. It seemed familiar, yet strangely different. She decided to ignore it and continue shopping. As she walked down the snack aisle, however, that presence grew nearer and nearer, until it felt as though it were right behind her. Growing suspicious and somewhat uncomfortable, she looked around.

It was right behind her. It was a familiar face… but with...black hair? She remembered this face with an obnoxious blonde hair. "You're...Ichinose-san, right?" Said a familiar...but still obnoxious, voice.

"You...are?" Kotomi said, trying to remember.

"Oh, me? I'm Youhei Sunohara. Remember?" the black-haired guy said. Kotomi thought for a moment, and remembered.

"Oh! You're the punching bag man!" Kotomi said, with a little smile.

"...Why is that how you remember me?" Sunohara whimpered. He shook his head for a moment," Anyway! How have you been? I didn't know you would be back here in Japan!"

"Oh yes, I'm on vacation right now, so I came back to take care of my house and get a break from America." Kotomi said.

"Huh. Interesting…" Sunohara pondered. He then sighed, "Damn, everyone's been doing so much, and I feel like I'm just barely making it along… my job is so stringent, my boss never gives me a break, and I haven't even gotten laid once all this time… goddamn."

Kotomi wasn't sure what she was thinking… but she felt really bad for Sunohara. She… wanted to help him...but how? She… thought about taking him on a date. Maybe? It felt wrong… yet, strangely, it felt right too. She decided to ask, "Would you… maybe like to hang out with me sometime?"

Sunohara hit his head on a shelf as he turned his head sharply. "O-ow…" he uttered. "But… r-really?! You would be okay with that?!"

Kotomi, not wanting to back out now… responded, "Well… yeah, sure. I'm honestly free after I get my groceries here, if you'd like…"

Sunohara's bored expression that Kotomi always knew was completely gone, replaced with a huge smile. "Yes! Absolutely! Let's go!"

Kotomi smiled weakly… she wasn't sure what to think… on one end, she wanted this. If she couldn't have Tomoya… maybe she could have Sunohara? He was Tomoya's friend, after all… but at the same time… he wasn't Tomoya. She didn't know. She decided to give him a chance.

After getting their groceries, they stopped by Sunohara's home on the way to Kotomi's house, so he could drop his off. Then they walked to her place, making some friendly conversation. As they stopped by the outside gate to her home… Sunohara exclaimed, "So this is your home… it's been awhile. It looks well taken care of!"

Kotomi smiled, "Thanks, I do try to make sure it looks nice."

"Damn, it looks so nice compared to my place… I just have a dinky little apartment… too small, even for just me…"

Kotomi thought to herself about what he said… it reminded her of Tomoya's apartment, and how small it must've been… but, it had everything Tomoya and Nagisa needed… to live together… to raise a family… to be happy. She decided not to say anything.

As they walked inside, and Kotomi put her things down, Sunohara said, "So, what kinds of things are there to do here?"

Kotomi pondered, and… like classic Kotomi, she said, "Well, I have lots of books to read!"

Sunohara's face frowned, "Um… Sorry, I'm not too into reading… do you have any movies?"

Kotomi pondered… "Well… not really! I mostly read when I'm home by myself!"

"Huh… well… if you'd like…" Sunohara suddenly hugged Kotomi from behind, around her stomach, "We could give you a new thing to do around here…"

Kotomi was starting to feel uncomfortable… she wasn't sure if she liked Sunohara's advances… but she decided to play along… maybe it would get better. She didn't say a word, though.

Sunohara started kissing her neck gently. He gradually worked her way around to her face… all the while feeling her upper body, starting to stroke her breasts. As he was kissing her cheek, nearing her lips… there was a shallow, hallow feeling revealing itself to Kotomi, and it started exploding out from the bottom of her soul. Just as Sunohara was about to kiss her on the lips, she pushed him off her, and looked away.

"Kotomi… is something wrong?" Sunohara said, puzzled.

"Sunohara… I'm sorry, I don't want this. Just now… I felt... awful. I felt empty. I can't do this… please forgive me…" was all Kotomi could get herself to say.

He looked away… and stayed quiet for a moment. "I'm the one who should be sorry… I'm the one who started feeling you up and all…"

When she didn't say anything back, Sunohara said, "Would you like me to leave?"

Kotomi nodded. As Sunohara opened the door, he said, "Hey, Kotomi, I hope we can still be friends… I don't want this to sour our friendship at all. You are still an old friend of mind, and that matters to me."

She looked at him… unwaveringly, her eyes said everything for her. She didn't really mind. As long as he never advanced on her again. Seeming to understand, he closed the door as he walked out.

Kotomi sat for a few minutes, with that shallow feeling in her heart. She felt lost again, like she'd betrayed everything she'd been fighting for. Her mind was everywhere… yet nowhere. Her soul felt pitch-black with doubt, and she wanted to give up. She wanted nothing more to do with the world.

But, that wasn't okay. And she knew that.

With that, she walked up to her room. Where she'd set down the suitcase with the teddy bear her parents had left her… all those years before. She also saw some old books, including one about time travel… one that she had read parts of with Tomoya… so long ago. "The day before yesterday, I saw a rabbit. Yesterday, I saw a deer. Today… you." She mumbled to herself.

Slowly… she remembered. She remembered what Tomoya meant to her. But not in the same way as before… she had a renewed understanding on what he meant to her, only now after her encounter with Sunohara… while unfortunate in terms of what ended up happening… she realized now that what she felt for Tomoya wasn't something that was easily replicable. And unless she would settle for less than Tomoya's love… she couldn't give up.

If she did give up… she didn't know what would happen. For now, all she can do is fight, and hold herself together.

If she can't hold herself together, she could crack… and she might inevitably…

 **...Break.**


End file.
